I first met Dick H. in October 2021 at the fall 12-Step retreat held in a Zoom video conference. He was a facilitator in the Steps 2 & 3 class. I remembered him to be longwinded. Much like the boring commencement speeches that spoke in generalities, he talked a lot but didn't make any specific points, not one that I could recollect. I'm sure it was about the importance of Steps 2 & 3 in recovery, but I checked out mentally after three minutes. When my then sponsor proved to be inexperienced in sponsoring and caused more harm than good, I asked Dick to be my sponsor in May 2022.
We met in person at Saladelia Cafe in May 2022. One of the things Dick mentioned was being long-winded helped him to be a good listener. In hindsight, I realized what a load of bullshit that was but I chose to work with him. I have been in the 12-Step program since 2010, and have worked with many sponsors in many locations across two US states. Dick H. is the only sponsor that talked more than the sponsee during Steps 4 & 5. In Step 4, the sponsee prepares an inventory of Resentments, Fears, Harms and Virtues in four respective lists; in Step 5, the sponsee presents the wrongs driving the people, places and things in these lists. In other words, the sponsee gets the podium to talk. Not Dick H. He acted like a consultant if not lecturer, not to mention indulging in shenanigans unrelated to Steps 4 & 5.
My first Step 5 meeting took place at Saladelia Cafe in Durham on Jun 9. It was the same place I met Dick in person a week (or so) earlier to confirm sponsorship. Sponsors do give feedback, but he turned it into a sermon. After I talked about the first person on my Resentments list – my Dad – Dick went to town among many things – what my parents did wasn't my fault, the goal of the Steps – taking almost twice the time I took to talk. The next person on the list was my Mom. After I finished talking about her, Dick rehashed everything he said before, and he did it again after I talked about the next person on the list – myself. When Saladelia Cafe was about to close at 8pm, we spent at least 45 minutes on Step 5. I talked for a little over 15 minutes, while Dick consumed the rest of the time with his long-winded dronings. I remembered only two things from what he said: 1) my parents' actions wasn't my fault – which BTW isn't a sponsor's job to do since sponsors aren't therapists – and 2) "glass half-full, glass half-empty". He demonstrated the latter by holding a half-full glass. That was when I checked out mentally, which I usually do when someone goes on too long and it doesn't seem relevant.
Discussed the exact nature of our wrongs admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being.
The next Step 5 meeting took place at Geer Street Garden on Jun 17 (Fri). Dick chose the place because it had "good food". He was right, but he neglected to mention that it was loud and unsuitable for any kind of Step work. Any response required raising one's voice or yelling. That was what happened. The Step 5 portion lasted about 30 minutes. After I talked about the first person on the Resentments list, he could not wait to take over and started grilling me on the progress of my relationship with that person. He repeated that after I talked about the next person on the list. I was prepared to admit but not answer questions beyond that. When my responses didn't satisfy Dick, he pushed harder, forcing me to yell in the present of restaurant patrons what I did to my son. It was the first time I ever experience trauma during a Step 5. I walked it off for at least 10 minutes but was still shaken by the experience.
Has your sponsor ever done this to you?
Later that night, I confronted Dick about the experience via text. He said "recovery for me has included recognizing progress... Just discussions. But they can wait." The "discussions" he conducted lasted longer than my part of the Step 5. I asked him if I should add another column to write about progress. He said, "No. Not unless you really want to." I really want to?? Dick wanted to discuss them, not me. I was trying to be better prepared so that I wouldn't be caught off-guard again. My past and future sponsors gave feedbacks during my Step 5. Those feedbacks were brief because Step 5 is long and often requires many meetings to get through. Discussions take place at the end – of either a meeting or the entire process – and never at the beginning. Between the two Step 5 meetings, I covered five persons with at least 20 more to go. Dick was the only sponsor to do discussions while I was still at the beginning point of the first list. At this rate, my biggest concern was it would take more than a year to get through Step 5 if it was held weekly – the Resentments list alone would take at least three months.
Because of what happened at Geer Street Garden, I struggled with my sobriety the next two days later and blasted him for it afterwards. I would have managed better had Geer Street Garden didn't happen. His apology – which was given begrudgingly – came with the excuse that my last sponsor gave little feedback. Dick claimed "we" were shooting for something in the middle. Instead, he went with the opposite extreme. He also claimed that Step 5 is not a monologue, and that the sponsee should talk more than the sponsor. Well, he showed that with long-winded monologues at Saladelia Cafe, and ruthless interrogations at Geer Street Garden. These are his brand of "discussions". Because he wanted to talk.
The rest of the Step 5 meetings was held at Dick's house starting Jun 29. Though quieter and private, I decided that I needed at least one calendar week between each meeting to recover from two things: the giving of Step 5, and Dick himself. I also imposed a hard-stop after 45 minutes of Step 5, because of him. He insisted that I could do more Step 5 meetings per week to get them done quicker, as his other sponsees had (allegedly) done. That would be true if it was any other sponsor. I did not need more sponsor-triggered trauma that would add unmanageability to my life.
Before resuming the Step 5 process, Dick decided I should prepare the Trigger list first because of the struggle two days after Geer Street Garden. While discussing the template to be used, he plied me with follow-up questions one after another without giving me time to answer. Initially, I thought the questions were rhetorical, then I got irritated because he was demanding an answer but wouldn't wait. I wondered out loud about how long this Trigger list discussion was going to take given his penchant for hogging the "discussions". He didn't take it well. I pointed it out that he didn't give me time to think about the questions and respond. He retorted that I should have informed him that I needed time to think about the questions. Fair enough, but it wasn't just that. Not only did I recalled how quick he was to hog the discussions at Saladelia Cafe and Geer Street Garden, but I also remembered a time before then when I was relating the three relapses in 2020. I was half-way through my story when he interrupted me to suggest what I should do. Had he let me finish, he would have known that I didn't want to be sober during that time. It didn't matter what or how much he pushed it. I wouldn't have done it when I didn't want it badly enough. Dick was impatient. He was also condescending, which I would later witness more of.
Dick was the only sponsor to date to be surprised to see his name in my Resentments list. Most of my previous sponsors made the list, including the previous one. When I was living in San Antonio between 2016 to 2020, my previous sponsor's sponsor insisted that I put both his name and my sponsor’s name in my Resentments list. I understood why. I wondered how thorough and in-depth Dick’s sponsees' Step 4 were since none of them had his name in their lists. Nonetheless, I did not pull any punches when I talked about why I resented him. At one point, I made a gesture of giving him my laptop and suggested that he should give my Step 5 since he wanted to talk more than me. To my relief, the rest of the Step 5 – held in his house – took seven months. He was mostly silent, except to ask questions or made brief comments.
Ultimately, I did not experience progress in recovery after giving my Step 5 to Dick. After six months of trying to work Steps 6 & 7, I realized that I was still living with the trauma of Geer Street Garden. It became a PTSD trigger (one guess who the trigger is), made me felt like a victim and tried to hurt others. With 2023 bringing more traumas to my life, my relationship with Dick gradually got worse as my resentment towards him got stronger. After my parents' passing in November 2022, he quickly moved to the top of my Resentments list.
The 12-Steps literature stated that Steps 4 & 5 can be worked with anyone. It does not have to be with your sponsor. I do not recommend Dick H. at all for these two Steps. He made my Step 5 experience so traumatic that I'm still recovering from it today. You can work with him on the other Steps, but find someone else for Steps 4 & 5. Any Steps 4 & 5 facilitator at the 12-Step retreat is a far better choice than Dick.
My experience in working with Dick H. continues with Steps 6 & 7.
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