Profiles in Discourage: Frank "Master Debater" Y.

Frank Y. was my sponsor from October to November of 2022. I connected with him prior to the 12-Steps retreat. After confirming him as sponsor, I waited till the end of the retreat and gave Dick H. the notice of separation. Frank was recommended by a brother in the 12-Steps fellowship. As the brother puts it:

"… a lot of respect for Frank… enjoy his presence at meetings… value the wisdom of his shares… known him to be a good listener. He does talk, but not excessively so.” 

I never met Frank. He lives in Apex and his home group meets on Monday nights at Fairmont UMC. Since all of my meetings were on Zoom, we would not ever meet. He is an airline pilot by profession, and is closer in age to me than the other guy recommended by the same brother. Little did I know that Frank was not only a talker but also an excessive debater.

Our first meeting was over the phone on a Sunday night. Frank had a loud and aggressive voice. His ideal sponsee must meet the following criteria: 1) no sexual relations with minors, 2) no violence against women, and 3) never ever lie to him. No sponsor past or present had ever asked of those from me, certainly not the latter criteria. People lie all the time. There is not one human being in or out of the 12-Steps meetings anywhere on Earth that does not ever lie. Not even Frank or his family. Nonetheless, I promised to not ever lie to him, knowing full well it was a promise I would not keep.

Frank then cautioned against leaving explicit messages on his voicemail. I asked him to elaborate. He provided two examples: "I masturbated" and "I masturbated to porn". According to him, the second one was explicit but the first one wasn't. To me, both said the same thing. He pointed out that the additional two words "to porn" in the second statement made it explicit. His company phone was screened periodically for inappropriate content. If any were found, it would land him in trouble. I understood, but it didn't mean that I wouldn't say something inadvertently inappropriate in his voicemail. To anyone interested in being a 12-Steps sponsor, don't use your company phone to communicate with sponsees.

Our next meeting was in a Zoom conference. While I was explaining what had happened with the last two sponsors, he interrupted me to say that he was looking away from the screen at either the material I sent him or the 12-Step literature, but emphasized that he was still paying attention. That wasn't necessary. It was a Zoom meeting. People can do whatever they want. I wondered if he interrupted for his own benefit, because it certainly wasn't for mine. When a person is interrupted, he - namely me - loses his train of thought and rhythm, and struggles to continue where he left off because it's almost like restarting the flow/rhythm all over again. I have no patience and little respect for people that perpetually interrupt. 

We continued meeting on Zoom. I found out that one of his daughters was on the autism spectrum. I showed him my avatar, which he then replied that he understood how to communicate with me. He continued to persuade me Step 5 needed to be done only once. I knew why I needed to do it again. Throughout the Zoom meetings, I heard his oft-repeated statement: "It's your recovery." What he said wasn't what he showed. 

I couldn't recall what led to the conversation about child abuse. He said something regarding what I wrote about my parents in the Resentments list. I mentioned that I was abused. He then aggressively insisted that I stopped blaming that "little child", that it wasn't my fault. I have worked with two therapists on separate occasions. None of them mentioned anything about me blaming my inner child. Frank was the only sponsor to ever bring that up, and adamant about it. Was he trying to be my therapist? I stopped talking about it so that he would move on. I had a feeling this sponsorship could possibly go downhill. 

We finally met in person on Nov 5 at a Starbucks located about halfway from our locations. Frank sported a baseball cap. We sat outside at a table. He impressed upon me two things. One, I had no control over how my wife's responds, a topic he brought up entirely on his own. I explained how I tried to manage as best as i could. He was just warming up. Given his loud and aggressive tone, I quickly got defensive and he quickly pointed out that I was angry. I eventually say something that got him to step back. But it wasn't the end of it. 

The second thing Frank impressed on me: job layoffs were not my fault. He went full throttle, like an attorney cross-examining a hostile witness, demanding to know if I believed they were my fault. I replied affirmatively and identified my part in it: I chose to work for them. He didn't think so, and kept trying to convince me that the job losses weren't my fault at all. When one argument didn't work, he came up another, and another, and even brought up the Sep 11 attacks. I was aggravated and probably overwhelmed. Verbal sparring was his strength and he had the advantage. He seemed to enjoy it because he said this:

"Get angry at me. I'm a big boy. I can handle it"

Frank certainly succeeded in coming across as the bigger man because I felt like a defeated, humiliated opponent. The experience was so pronounced that I obsessed about it all week and couldn't sleep on the night before our next meeting back at Starbucks on Nov 12. I didn't feel comfortable saying anything to him. When he noticed my sullen demeanor, he rehashed the same arguments from the week before with the same intensity, volume and attitude. It felt like I took too many blows from an opponent that didn't pull punches. I wanted to know what I could do, but he was fixated on doubling down on what not to do. When I asked why he kept repeating the same arguments, he replied, "Because you are not convinced!" So if i wasn't convinced to his way of thinking, he would not help me with the Steps. It was ironic that he kept insisting that "It's your recovery," but made every effort to dictate how I worked it and my thought processes. 

Let's take a pause. What is Step 4? According to Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

"Ourselves" refers to me. A inventory of me. Not of parents, former employers or anyone, anyplace, anything I put in the lists. Page 62 of chapter 5 elaborates:

"So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the (addict) is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so."

Troubles, not faults. The Big Book continues on pages 64 and 65, describing what Step 4 is all about with a template of how each list is prepared.  Not shown in the template is an additional column on the right of "Affects my:" to fill in the sponsee's part of each resentment, fear and hurt. Page 67 explains further (highlighted for emphasis).

Step 4 is not about identifying whose fault others' behaviors are, but about identifying my part in their behaviors. Since my parents' behaviors were not my fault, what was my part (wrong)? I resented them, hurt them (willfully), and adopted their behaviors and attitudes in my personal relationships – these behaviors were on me. Neither Dick H. nor Frank ever addressed what my part was, only that it wasn't my fault. When a sponsor does that, he is no longer helping me on Step 4 (or 5). Thanks in part to them, I felt justified in my resentments and hurts towards my parents, refused to own or make amends, continued blaming them, and remained estranged from them till their passing in November 2022. 

Frank did not shy away from argument. I could only imagine being in his autistic daughter's shoes, dealing with his loud and overbearing demeanor on a regular basis, and how many meltdowns she had from being overwhelmed by him. He should be grateful she wasn't a son. Speaking as one, and given the similar talking styles between Frank and Dad, I hated Dad's guts for as long as I could remember. 

Nov 12 (Sunday) was the last in-person meeting with Frank. Our meeting would be on Zoom on Nov 21 (Tuesday). The following Thursday afternoon, I received a text message from him that mentioned four reasons why someone wasn't ready to work Steps 6 & 7. Even though it was a quote from a 12-Steps literature but given how our past meetings transpired, I thought he was taking my inventory. My stress level was elevated the rest of the day as his text was all I thought about, and had difficulty sleeping that night. Below are the screenshots of his text message and my responses to it. After that, I blocked his number and went to sleep.

The next morning, I unblocked Frank, apologized for the texts and believed everything was fine. Not hearing from him over the weekend, I had a feeling that he might have either ghosted or blocked me. By Tuesday evening, I did not receive the Zoom meeting link. I called him and left a message. No answer. That feeling was confirmed: he fired me. Just like that, it was over almost immediately after it began. The self-proclaimed "big boy" couldn't/wouldn't handle an empty threat. Such arrogance!

For the next 10 months, I tried to work the Steps without a sponsor, not wanting to look for one out of fear that the next guy might turn out like Frank. I relied only on my therapist and the 12-Steps meetings. It was difficult. My recovery was in limbo, cycling between Steps 1 through 3. In September 2024, a fellow in my home group indicated his availability as a sponsor. We spoke by phone and have been working together since. 

I could not recall a time where Frank talked and wasn't being opinionated. He always had to make a point... aggressively. His strongest asset was neither his sobriety nor experience, strength and hope. It was his mouth. He was so engrossed in convincing me that I had no control over what/how my spouse and former employers did, but he neglected to include himself as another that I had no control over. If I wanted to be convinced that something wasn't my fault, I'd gone to a therapist. Sponsors aren't therapist. It's not a sponsor's job to fix a sponsee. The entire experience was a reminder to always start at Step 1 when working with a sponsor whom I had no prior acquaintance.

Frank is the ideal sponsor if you:

• meet his criteria of perfection (or the appearance of such)
• are a true big boy – not overwhelmed or aggravated by an arrogant asshole
• like to argue/debate/verbal spar
• are looking for someone to tell you what to think

Frank is NOT the ideal sponsor if you are looking for someone that:

• is gentle and patient
• leads with experience (not expertise), strength (not shows of strength) and hope (not hubris), 
• meets you where you are and does not try to fix you (let alone your thinking) 

Should you decide to work with Frank, be prepared for some jousting. Respond to his criteria anyway you like – he won't be able to fact-check. You don’t need a firearm, but do prepare something to stop him when he won’t back off. Something like a colored beverage with a wide neck to shower on him with when he won’t stop. Then take a picture of him and post it here. I’ll compensate for the beverage.